If this was an olympic sport, I would definitely have a place on the podium.
I have an incredible ability to over-analyse conversations, messages, phone calls like no other human I have ever met.
The reactions I have had from people when I tell them what I thought they meant versus what they actually meant is shock, astonishment and a look of ‘what are you talking about? Just HOW did you possibly think I meant that when I meant the total opposite.’
There is no logic to it and I don’t even know I am doing it. I just always see the worst in every situation and people have to prove to me that this is not the case.
It can be extremely draining and also time-consuming as I can become absorbed in this warped train of thought and convince myself that a whole other reality exists which is dark and I am alone. I really am the Queen of Negativity.
If someone pays me a compliment, I am immediately suspicious and assume they are being sarcastic and I look awful, or they want something from me.
This can apply to any situation, at work, at home, with family, or when I am out. If a shop assistant serves me and I can detect just the tiniest hint of a funny look, a sarcastic reply, my mind goes into overdrive and from nothing I can create an entire situation that never ever existed. It doesn’t stop there though, because I will go on to replay it over and over until it consumes me and I feel like it is impossible to hate myself any more. It really is quite a talent. The human mind is a very powerful tool. It is unfortunate that it causes me so much misery.
I have just realised something whilst writing this.
Cue lightbulb moment
This is why I avoid any situations involving people and triggering my over thinking mechanism. It makes perfect sense, to me at least. Why would I want to knowingly put myself in a place in which I will be subject to more overthinking, more negative self-talk and more reasons to criticise myself and my abilities.
Imagine if I was able to turn this around. Imagine if I could see the good in every situation instead of the bad? How amazing would that be? How good would I feel, being able to create scenarios filled with joy and laughter and love and giving myself positive messages. I know that it is possible. I have read about people who have done exactly that and now have peace and calm instead of the hell of what is inside my head. The question is, can I do it? Do I love myself enough to try? After almost 50 years of feeling nothing but hatred for myself, how do I even begin?
I don’t know the answer. Not yet anyway. I will get back to you when I do.